Y’all Know Godzilla Just Needs to Distract Kong With a White Woman and He Wins, Right?

Illustration for article titled Y’all Know Godzilla Just Needs to Distract Kong With a White Woman and He Wins, Right?
Image: Warner Bros.

Tomorrow, a clash of massive proportions will hit theater and TV screens in the form of Godzilla vs Kong. Now I love watching giant creatures suplex each other through skyscrapers just as much as the next person, but y’all really expect to believe Kong, king of the simps, can take on the big G?

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I mean, Godzilla has a storied history of laying the smackdown on King Ghidorah, Biollante, Mechagodzilla, the city of Tokyo itself, and he even yeeted that 1998 monstrosity into the Sydney Opera House. 

What’s Kong’s cinematic legacy? Getting caught slipping because he stays tripping off white girls. Oh, don’t believe me? Don’t worry, your honor, I’ve brought exhibits.

Exhibit A: King Kong (1933)

Illustration for article titled Y’all Know Godzilla Just Needs to Distract Kong With a White Woman and He Wins, Right?
Image: Warner Bros.

Exhibit B: King Kong (1976)

Illustration for article titled Y’all Know Godzilla Just Needs to Distract Kong With a White Woman and He Wins, Right?
Image: Paramount Pictures
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Exhibit C: King Kong (2005)

Illustration for article titled Y’all Know Godzilla Just Needs to Distract Kong With a White Woman and He Wins, Right?
Image: Universal Studios
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Exhibit Goddamn D, dammit: Kong: Skull Island (2017)

Illustration for article titled Y’all Know Godzilla Just Needs to Distract Kong With a White Woman and He Wins, Right?
Image: Warner Bros.
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Even in Kong: Skull Island—one of the few Kong movies that isn’t just a remake—ol’ boy is looking at Brie Larson like “So are you and Tom Hiddleston serious or is this just like a jungle thing?”

Godzilla doesn’t even have to fight that hard against the big simp; he just has to point to a white woman and mans will instantly begin having a crisis about his innate humanity or some shit. I’m sorry, but I’m not backing a monster whose ability to fight is going to be impeded if Julia Roberts happens to pull up.

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No disrespect to Julia Roberts, but I’m not going to stop fighting a dude because she showed up. You know who would, though?

Kong.

I can already hear you now talking ‘bout “That’s a little harsh, and can’t front, you seem a bit biased, b.” Listen, I may own over 20 Godzilla movies, have a Godzilla figure displayed in my living room, and rank Shin Godzilla among one of my favorite movies of the last decade, but that doesn’t change the truth about Kong, dammit!  

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Y’all seriously expect me to believe that a kaiju whose whole M.O. is catching feelings, being an uncomfortable racial metaphor and getting bodied by some old-ass fighter planes is going to take on the monster who killed a MUTO by breathing radiation down its throat?! And win?! That’s the conversation you want to have, my guy?!

Exactly.

Godzilla takes Kong, I’m calling it now.

The stylin', profilin', limousine riding, jet flying, wheelin' and dealin' nerd of The Root.

DISCUSSION

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America: The Snyder Cut

Uncomfortable Racial Metaphor VS. Metaphor for Dropping the Atomic Bomb on Hiroshima.

It would actually be cool if the modern kaiju movies would acknowledge these metaphors in even a small way.