Allegedly Heidi Klum
Allegedly Heidi Klum
Photo: Jerod Harris (Heidi Klum)

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. I can tell you that I don’t have money. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. So, if you admit that you besmirched and bullied Germanic female Heidi Klum by calling her a thing that she really is, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.

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But if you don’t, I will look for you. I will find you and I will praise you.

Aside from the fact that she speaks like a Marvel movie supervillain who wears a monocle and has a squad of henchmen, I have no idea who Heidi Klum is. I have lived an almost Heidi-free life and for me, any white woman could be a Heidi. For instance, I’m 80 percent sure that’s Gwyneth Paltrow in the above picture. And if you told me that was Jennifer Anniston or Kate Upton, my only reply would be:

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“Word.”

After speaking with multiple sources, I’m told that Heidi Klum is white and some have confirmed that she is, in fact, a woman. I have also been informed that she was on Project Runway but I don’t think that’s true. The residents in the housing projects I’ve lived in rarely owned planes, so I’m pretty sure projects don’t have runways. I’ll need more sources.

According to Page Six, Klum, who—I remind you, is both white and a woman, was a judge on America’s Got Talent. In an earlier interview, Klum reportedly defended NBC’s glorified middle-school talent show after another former judge, Gabrielle Union, called out AGT for racism during her tenure on the show.

“I’ve only had an amazing experience,” said Klum, who is not American and seems to have no talent. “I can’t speak for [Gabrielle]. I didn’t experience the same thing. To me, everyone treats you with the utmost respect. I’ve never seen anything that was weird or hurtful.”

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Now, Klum is doubling down, saying she was vilified for speaking her truth, adding that what she said had nothing to do with race. Then, Klum alleged that the outrage mob turned on her and called her the most unimaginably vile names you could imagine. (Which you couldn’t because that’s kind of the definition of “unimaginable.” But even if you could, you still wouldn’t guess what kind of language people used to describe this woman who, I may or may not have mentioned, is of the Caucasoidian variety.)

Page Six reports:

But on Wednesday at the amfAR gala at Cipriani Wall Street, Klum told us, “A lot of people got mad at me. I was called, for example, ‘a white woman.’” She added, “I think it is important for everyone to speak their truth. I think that when there is a story, it should be told. I had a different story.”

Klum said, “I can only speak to what I saw — it has nothing to do with what color I am. I am a human so I just looked at what I saw.”

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While some might ask what a blonde white woman could possibly know about experiencing racism, Klum is allowed to speak on this issue. Who else, besides Klum, can say what they saw when they were on the set with Union every day during the time that she experienced this alleged racism? More than anyone, Klum would know what the environment was...

Wait.

My sources are now telling me that Klum wasn’t even on AGT during the most recent season. My informants—who also allege that Klum is a European female human—say that Klum wasn’t in the cast during the time Union says she was discriminated against. Apparently, Klum, with no insight whatsoever, just doesn’t believe a black woman experienced racism because, as a white woman, she didn’t experience any, which is kinda how racism works.

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What kind of person would say something like this?

I know you think I’m gonna say “white woman,” but I would never insult Terry Crews like that.

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On the other hand, this is right out of the white woman’s playbook. They have been the world champions of gaslighting since the invention of gas and lights. They can ignore any oppression that doesn’t sully their ivory skin but expect solidarity from black women whenever their delicate sensibilities are disturbed. Whenever that happens, they’re all: “Yasss, sis, believe women!”

To be clear, not all white women are like this. I’mma say 52-53 percent have this trait.

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Also, I would like to use this “It didn’t happen to me so it probably didn’t happen” defense. It’s a slight variation of the “I dated a black guy in college” theory of racism.

When I was a sophomore in college, I took a girl to see R. Kelly and Public Announcement. Somehow, we wound up backstage and met the band. R Kelly’s high-top fade needed an edge-up and his wifebeater was kind of dingy but, to his credit, he didn’t pee on me or my date.

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According to Heidi Klum, that nigga didn’t mess with them lil girls.

I already figured out why so many white people hate being called a white person—because the privilege of individuality affords them the ability to only be characterized in the singular form. They don’t like being characterized by the actions of others. They hate being called a “white voter” who lives in a “white neighborhood” and acts like a “white woman,” even though they’re willing to talk about the “black vote, “black neighborhoods” and “black women” all day, every day.

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Anyway, I just wanted to say one word to whichever one of you niggas called Heidi a “white woman”:

Word.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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