Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually pretty damn old.
Sure, the gift of melanin means my black has yet to crack, but I’ve been in bed by like 8 p.m. every day this week, my sciatic nerve is well past its prime, and I have no idea what the hell “no cap” even means.
So I’d like to take the time to thank Kiari Cephus and Belcalis Almanzar, better known to you young whippersnappers as hip-hop royalty Offset and Cardi B, for taking the time out of their busy schedules to swing by Jimmy Kimmel Live! to translate all that rappity-rap shit that’s somehow made them millions of dollars.
On Wednesday night’s broadcast, during a segment aptly titled “New Lyrics for Old People,” Mr. and Mrs. Migos took turns reciting the lyrics to their smash hit “Clout” while Kimmel fell on the sword and transcribed what was actually being said to his horrified and bewildered audience.
“Straight out the streets to a penthouse, Miami Beach, yayo,” Offset begins.
“I came from humble beginnings, but now I own a condominium in Florida,” Kimmel explicates to the crowd’s delight, before adding, “Yayo.”
“Swapping out cars with my bitch,” Offset continues, “I bought her the Lambo she bought me the Wraith.”
“That’s me!” Cardi interjects.
“That means, ‘My wife and I exchange cars and jewelry,’” Kimmel explains, “Correct?”
Cardi excitedly nods in approval, and when it’s eventually her turn and she doesn’t disappoint.
“Mouth still say what it wants to,” she raps. “Vagina still wet like a fat bitch.”
Kimmel takes a minute to collect his thoughts before offering, “I believe in free speech and I am sexually aroused.”
“No, it doesn’t mean that,” Cardi interrupts. “You ever heard that, like, big girls have better vaginas than skinny girls?”
“Of course, of course,” Kimmel says. “My mother taught me that when I was young.”
“They say that. And that’s what I meant,” Cardi clarifies.
God bless Jimmy Kimmel. He’s really out here doing the Lord’s work. I just wish he would’ve passed around a collection plate afterward because I sure as hell would’ve tossed at least $20 in there.
The rest of the segment is equally as enlightening. It won’t stop me from terrorizing my friends or child with Marvin Gaye’s Here, My Dear every time they get in my car, but now I feel way more confident in ending my sentences with “yayo.”