Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images; AFP PHOTO/MARK RALSTON; AFP PHOTO/ADRIAN SANCHEZ-GONZALEZ 

In the world of co-opting, appropriation, Iggy Azaleas and Kardashians, it seems as though, in the words of the great Paul Mooney, everyone wants to be a black woman until it’s time to actually “be a black woman.”

I get it.

Black women are the s—t. And we have been since the beginning of time. Black women have fought hard to be accepted in society, past and present. Black women are trendsetters and revolutionaries. So I understand why other women try their hardest to emulate us. But when it comes to imitating and appropriating, they all fail. There’s this thing called “authenticity.” You either have it or you don’t. And some women try really hard to “have it.”

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Here are the top 6 things black women have that other women want:

1. Lips

Back in the day, big lips were made fun of, but nowadays women are going to extremes to have their lips inflated for a fuller, more succulent look. It all started with collagen injections, but now there’s a simpler way to give your mouth that extra boost.

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With products like CandyLipz, all you have to do is take a plastic suction-cup device and put your lips in it while it squeezes the life out of them. And voilà—you’re walking around looking as if you got stung by a billion bees and lived to tell the tale. But you may not want to leave the house for a few days, because the warning that comes along with the device is that it can cause bruising and redness. 

2. Darker Skin

I truly feel sorry for the women who spend countless hours tanning in the sun and at tanning salons. You have to wonder if they realize that in 20 years they’ll end up looking more like a California raisin than a tanner version of their former selves.

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Those of us who were blessed with melanin and brown skin scoff at those walking around looking like “Tan Mom.” Then you have those women who realize that tanning isn’t great for their skin and resort to spray-on tans—only to end up being mistaken for Oompa Loompa Boehner.

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3. Ass, Ass, Ass

Now, this is a tricky subject. Because we all know there are plenty of black women who have resorted to this ass trickery (I see you, Nicki Minaj). Women all over the world are spending fortunes and risking their lives to get fatter asses. And half of the time they don’t even look real. You have women with these tiny-ass waists and Hottentot Venus asses.

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Whether they’re getting ass implants in some seedy hotel room or spending thousands of dollars and heading to the Dominican Republic, everyone from the Kardashians to Iggy Azalea is inflating her rear end. All along, while growing up, some black women had to endure taunting and ridicule for their grandiose derrieres.

And it’s worth repeating that inflated asses don’t even look real.

4. Braids, Dreads and Afros

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When Zendaya Coleman wore dreads, some said her hair looked as if it smelled like weed and patchouli. When a certain sister-in-law of Kanye West wore dreads, they called it “trendy.” When nonblack women co-opt hairstyles traditionally worn by black women, they’re always called fashionable. Remember last year during Fashion Week and the baby-hair debacle? How long have black women and young black girls been sporting baby hair? Black women in cornrows equals ghetto. Nonblack women in cornrows equals trendsetters.

Next thing you know, nonblack women will be out there rocking kinky, curly Afros. Wait, there’s already a tutorial on how they can get “Afro” hair.

5. Black Men

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Once you go black, you’re now a Kardashian. Back in the day, nonblack women would have to sneak around just to get their “jungle fever” on. Nowadays, there’s no more sneaking around. Whether they’re truly into black men or just want to see if the “myths” are true, nonblack women are snatching up black men left and right. I just have one request: Stay away from Idris Elba. He’s mine.

As someone who has dated all types of ethnicities for the majority of her dating life, I truly don’t see anything wrong with it. But miss me with giving interracial dating corny names like “swirling.” Also miss me with putting down your own race to justify why you’re dating another. And that goes for everyone.

6. Survival Skills

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You can knock us down, but we’ll get back up. We have Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks. These women have paved the way for today’s black woman. They laid the groundwork. What some people refer to as “leaning in,” we call living.

I can already see the comments section, so I’ll save you some time.

OMG, you’re racist: No, I’m not; I have white friends.

Well, black women straighten their hair and wear weaves. I guess they’re trying to be white, too: You’d think by now someone would come up with a more original retort.

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I hate this site. It’s always talking about race: Well, maybe you’d feel more comfortable over at Stormfront?

Toodles!