Earlier this week, after reading Tiffany Haddish’s story about someone biting Beyoncé at an after-party, The Root gathered its NCIS (Niggas [Who] Can Investigate Shit) team together to determine who was the vampire who bit Queen Bey’s face.
After a lengthy discussion, two fistfights and hours staring at one of those huge maps with thumbtacks, yarn and black-and-white photos (I don’t know why; it just seems to work in all detective shows), we compiled a list of people who may have had the motive and opportunity to cheek-chew Beyoncé.
We included the betting odds for each suspect because even though The Root does not endorse gambling, someone had to do it.
Lena Dunham has publicly denied that she went full Hannibal Lecter on Bey.
The Girls creator once went into an extended Twitter tizzy when the New York Giants’ wide receiver Odell Beckham had the audacity to not know who the fuck she was. The sentient cup of half-melted Bed Bath & Beyond vanilla-scented candle wax also attempted to whitesplain away actress Aurora Perrineau’s rape accusation against Dunham’s friend and co-writer Murray Miller. And we can’t forget the time Dunham tweeted about molesting an “African-American rodent.”
Given her history of chewing up black people and spitting them out, Dunham leads the pack of suspected face biters.
This is based on nothing but my instincts as a seasoned investigator. While this may seem like racial profiling, my gut tells me that Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ eyebrows are really tufts of hair she saved after killing Cookie Monster in the late 1990s and replacing him with a look-alike who actually prefers Fig Newtons. Maybe it’s just me, but something about her eyebrows makes them look hungry for brown flesh.
Just me? OK.
I imagine that Ciara, after spending so much time with her buttoned-up hubby, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, needs to bust loose every now and then. After all, going from dating Future to marrying the Mister Rogers of the NFL is like going from crystal meth to vaping celery juice. Maybe she was letting her freak flag fly.
But Ciara (or, as I call her, “Almost Beyoncé”) still isn’t one of our prime suspects, only because that would mean she did something interesting.
Sanaa Lathan has also unequivocally denied gnawing at Yoncé’s noggin. But after her denial, TMZ is now reporting that “multiple sources” have confirmed that it was Lathan, who is reportedly dating French Montana. Now, I don’t believe in French Montana like I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. I have never heard a French Montana song; nor have I seen a picture of him, so miss me with that French Montana nonsense.
Despite Lathan’s denials, we must remember that O.J. Simpson also said, “If I did it ... ”
I don’t even know why she is on the list. I don’t think that Cookie is beyond biting a motherfucker, but Beyoncé is definitely not a motherfucker. She’s Beyoncé. However, Henson’s predilection for wearing furs and carnivorous-cat prints may have triggered her animal instincts.
Plus, she’s in a lot of Tyler Perry movies. Maybe she was preparing for Tyler Perry Presents Madea Eats Beyoncé (coming in fall 2020).
Sean Combs’ friendship with Jay-Z means that Diddy would be able to get close enough to Bey. Maybe he was gone off the Ciroc and couldn’t help himself. Bad Boy Records has previously swallowed up the careers of stars like Shyne, Faith Evans, G. Dep, Craig Mack, the Notorious B.I.G., Total, Junior M.A.F.I.A., Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, Cassie, Danity Kane and Mase.
Plus, I thought he told you that he won’t stop. I thought he told you that he won’t stop.
Hear me out: After the 2016 election, Hillary Clinton, in a fit of rage, got close to Beyoncé by telling security, “I’m with her.” Then HRC went bonkers and attacked Beyoncé for not giving her the full Barack Obama treatment. I know it sounds far-fetched, but we have to remember that Beyoncé is technically married to a “superpredator.”
I didn’t think Clinton should be on the list, but she won the popular vote.
Odds: 306-232 (the electoral vote results from the 2016 election).
I didn’t think she would have done it until one of our NCIS team members said, “You gotta admit, Symone looks like she would bite someone.” Perhaps the former national press secretary for Sen. Bernie Sanders was mad about Beyoncé’s endorsement of Hillary Clinton.
Now that I think about it, I’ve seen Symone Sanders bite Tomi Lahren’s and Omarosa Manigault Newman’s heads off. We’re going to have to look into this one a little further.
While some may not think the two most prominent pop singers are rivals, it is within the realm of possibility that Rih Rih was smoking some loud and got the munchies. Or perhaps she noticed that Bey wasn’t wearing Fenty products.
Nah, I doubt it. Rihanna looks like she only eats the finest berries and juices. Plus, the way she curved Drake leads me to think she likes her meat well done.
Kellyanne Conway could use a meal or two, but she was only included on the list so that I could point out what I consider to be the greatest passage ever written. It is by The Root’s own Senior Editor Stephen A. Crockett:
I’m a Kellyanne Conway birther.
That’s right. I am going to need proof that Kellyanne Conway is alive and not just a skeleton covered in provolone cheese wearing a bank-robber wig that is attached to a series of pulleys that make her arms and mouth move.
Until then, I have to address Kellyanne Conway as the skeletal remains of someone named Kellyanne Conway. Or simply: Skellyanne Conway.
Who would know better than the person who started the rumor? Tiffany Haddish is hilarious, but she might have sparked this controversy to throw us off her trail. Pretty sneaky, sis.
By Haddish’s own admission, she drinks turpentine. Anyone who willingly consumes paint varnish probably also eats face. And if you’re going to eat face, why not eat high-end face? Beyoncé’s face is the Kobe beef of face meats, and it probably pairs well with a well-aged turpentine.
Other suspects include Michelle Williams, LaTavia Roberson, LeToya Luckett, Farrah Franklin (former Destiny’s Child members), “them people,” the Illuminati, the feds and Jay-Z.