Cardi B; Nicki Minaj
Photo: Jamie McCarthy (Getty Images), Ben Gabbe (Getty Images)

After releasing two songs on Thursday, rapper Nicki Minaj reignited her feud with the current princess of rap, Cardi B, because—if we’re being honest—we kinda forgot about the black female Max Headroom of hip-hop once we met Cardi.

I guess Minaj has to sell those records any way she can. (Is it even “records” anymore? I think you sell streams now. Yeah, I think that’s correct.)

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I guess she has to sell those streams any way she can. (Wait, you don’t pay for streams, do you? Dammit, I’m getting too old for this!)

I guess she has to convince people to listen to her music for free and somehow magically make money any way she can! Beefs usually work.

Apparently, Minaj was upset because Cardi B insinuated that Ms. Minaj changed her verse on Migos’ “MotorSport” after hearing Cardi’s. If you don’t know what that last sentence even means, don’t worry, neither do I.

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However, Minaj explained herself during an interview on Beats 1 by saying that she didn’t feel she was given the proper respect by Cardi Bacardi or Quavo of Migos. (I don’t know the proper term for one member of Migos. Is he a Migo? A Migosian? A Mig? OK, let’s move on.)

“When I first came in the game, if a female of [my] stature had done a feature with me on it, I would only be singing their praises and saying thank you,” Minaj said. “I texted Quavo and I said, ‘Can you back me up on this? ’Cause I don’t want people to think I’m lying,’ and he didn’t back me up.”

While some may think this is another case of society pitting two women of color against each other, let’s not forget that this is hip-hop, an art form whose culture was created by battling and dissing. This may actually be the truest to hip-hop that either of these artists has ever been.

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But before you pick a side, It might be helpful to examine these two combatants scientifically, with objective measurements.

Biggest Hit

Nicki Minaj: “Super Bass”

Cardi B: “Bodak Yellow”

Winner: Obviously “Bodak Yellow” is the winner here. While I’m not a fan of either song, I somehow know the lyrics to “Bodak Yellow,” and the only thing I remember about “Super Bass” is that I saw a little girl singing it once on Instagram. Or maybe that was my niece. Or my daughter. I’m not sure. It came out eight years ago, when Barack Obama was still president.

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I wasn’t thinking about how to survive a nuclear holocaust as much back then.

Skills

Nicki Minaj: While Minaj sometimes sounds like a patchwork quilt that needs Xanax, her verse on Kanye West’s “Monster” remix outshone Rick Ross, Jay-Z and Yeezy.

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Cardi B: Every time I hear Cardi B, she sounds like the teacher called on her to read lyrics that she’s never seen before. We know she has a ghostwriter, which doesn’t upset me because I love Lil’ Kim and I know Biggie wrote her lyrics. But maybe Cardi B could read over hers first, or let this guy who posted the original of this video a year ago:

Winner: She’s not Kendrick Lamar (or even Lamar Odom), but Minaj wins this round.

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Personality

Nicki Minaj: If I drank some Crown Royal, smoked marijuana and injected myself with pure brown tar heroin, I could probably hang around Minaj for 23 seconds, tops. But what would I do with the rest of my evening?

Cardi B: I call Cardi my “crazy cousin from the Bronx” because we all have someone in our family who reminds us of Belcalis Almanzar (Cardi’s real name). She talks loud. She makes you laugh. And she is always down to fight.

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My favorite Cardi B incident is when she randomly tweeted her address to a restaurant where she was dining and explained that she posted it “in case bitches or niggas wanna fight.”

She’s going to make a fabulous aunt one day.

Winner: Cardi.

Catalog

Nicki Minaj: Three albums, all of which have gone platinum; 90 singles.

Cardi B: One album.

Winner: This one is actually harder than you think because we can’t leave out the fact that Cardi B did two seasons of Love & Hip Hop: New York. When you combine that with her years as an exotic dancer and include the fact that Minaj’s fans were mostly teenage white girls, it becomes even closer.

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But Minaj edges out Cardi because teenage white girls also loveBodak Yellow.” Almost too much.

Famous Fights

Nicki Minaj: She’s beefed with Remy Ma, Foxy Brown, Lil’ Kim, Malcolm X’s estate and Miley Cyrus.

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Cardi B: She’s beefed with Nicki Minaj, the cops and every shady nigga on Love & Hip Hop.

Winner: Cardi B.

Minaj picks easy wins. She threatened Miley Cyrus—or, as I call her, white Raven-Symoné—on live TV and still didn’t throw down. She beefed with Malcolm X’s estate over the cover of “Lookin’ Ass Nigga.” She’s literally fighting a dead man!

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Cardi, on the other hand, had one of the most hilarious fight stories of all time when she recounted being choked out by a cop.

Famous Beaus

Nicki Minaj: Drake, Lil Wayne and Nas have all dated Onika.

Cardi B: She’s engaged to Offset, a Migo.

Winner: Cardi B.

Obviously, Minaj’s exes are more famous, richer and more talented, but Cardi B wins this section for one important reason.

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I imagined Nicki Minaj kissing Lil Wayne in the mouth.


So there you have it: Cardi B vs. Nicki Minaj. Now that the results have been tabulated, the overall winner of this feud is clear:

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Rapsody.