Arya Fucking Stark on you hoes
Photo: HBO

My blood pressure still has not returned to normal after episode three of Game of Thrones.

The Battle of Winterfell popped off and shit did not go as any of us expected. I turned on my friend’s television in preparation to say goodbye to all of my favorite characters because I knew the Night King was going to swoop in on his dragon and talk his shit. And given our history, I also just knew in my soul that the black people weren’t going to make it out.

With five or six tea lights lighting the battle scene on our screens, The Red Woman came and did what the fuck she had to do and said let there be light and lit the field with fire. Too bad the fire didn’t do shit for our screens our Daenerys’ vision from the sky.

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While everyone was dying and risking their lives, Bran was chilling, presumably catching up on his Netflix queue or the new season of Insecure. Bran, an unbothered king.

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While Bran, Bran the handi-capable man was chillin, Daenerys was out in these skies making more poor life choices. Honestly, I wouldn’t be upset if she expired tomorrow. She was face to face with the Night King and commanded her dragon to light his ass up, but to her surprise, homie was present and still accounted for.

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The White Walkers and their newly installed lace fronts were ready for battle. The dead were in the gym and came to fuck shit up, and that’s exactly what they did. They stormed through Winterfell’s Rent-A-Center wall and started to body the entire camp.

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At this point, shit was not going well for anyone who had a steady pulse. The walls came crumbling down and giants showed up to just add insult to injury. Lady Lyanna Mormont rolled up on a giant and showed y’all why she was not to be fucked with. Presumably with every bone shattered in her body, Lyanna took out a whole entire giant and went out like a G. Lyanna is harder than a lot of you out here.

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Theon Greyjoy and Lyanna really came and did exactly what the fuck they had to do at the battle. They may have not made it to the end, but they both went out like G’s.

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At this point, we’ve lost a good number of people. The Night King is feeling himself, and he and his luxurious haired warriors are making their way to Bran. Bran figured now would be a good time to cut to commercial and come the fuck back to see what was transpiring.

With his protection gone, we all just knew that it was curtains for him. We thought. Swooping in to save the damn day was Arya “Bad Bitch” Stark. Little homie came out of nowhere and descended upon the Night King like she was me when I see an eligible single, gainfully employed bachelor who has healed from his past traumas.

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My good sis swooped in, saved the fucking day, and threw all of our theories out of the damn window.

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The battle has been won, lives have been lost and now another is on the horizon. Arya Bad Bitch Stark saved the day, but of course not without some unwarranted interruptions.

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Even Kim Kardashian’s fans were too busy to keep up with her family because we were focused on keeping up with the Battle of Winterfell.

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All in all, my biggest takeaway from this battle was the fact that the black people survived until the end.

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I have no black ass idea what is happening next, but I do know that Cersei sat on her Iron Throne and ate her food while everyone got murked.

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