In keeping with its trend of appeasing fans who believe God so loved the world he gave us his only begotten son whose name is either Tom Brady or Donald Trump, the National Football League decided to overlook the 1,203,034 musical acts in Atlanta, Ga. and announced that Maroon 5 will perform at halftime of Super Bowl LIII.
I don’t even know who Liii is (probably a girl from Atlanta whose real name is Leah but she became a vegan, started listening to Erykah Badu, went on a natural hair journey and changed her name), but Rolling Stone reports that February’s Super Bowl Halftime Show in the ATL will be headlined by Maroon 5, the musical act best known for its daring combination of the number of good songs they made with the most boring color on the planet.
We must first say that there is nothing wrong with Maroon 5. In fact, Adam Levine has a really good voice and they are perfectly fine. They even let a black guy join the group in 2010. I like their two ditties “Hey Soul Sister” and “Drops of Jupiter.” They really make me think of ...
Wait. I’m being told that those songs were actually made by Train, which can’t be right because I watched Soul Train every week and I’m pretty sure Don Cornelius doesn’t sing. Maybe he was a backup vocalist.
Anyway, the song “I’m Yours” is some of Maroon 5's finest work. Huh? That’s Jason Mraz? Are you sure he’s not in Maroon 5? How about thier huge hit “Virtual Insanity?” Nah, bruh. I’m pretty sure “Jamiroquai” is just a Swahili word that means “Maroon 5!”
OK, well I know they made that collaboration with Jay-Z called “Suit & Tie,” which is technically sung by Justin Timberlake, who I’m pretty sure is just the Great Value version of Adam Levine.
But, for the sake of this article, let’s pretend that you’ve heard a song by Maroon 5 that you’ve liked. The point is, that when children are born inside the city limits of Atlanta, the parents are legally obligated to sign a 2 album deal along with the birth certificate. Atlanta is arguably the hottest music scene in the country right now and I’m not saying the NFL should have booked Young Thug, Gucci Mane or Migos, but there are a billion artists from the city who are more well-known than the burgundy quintuplet.
Usher performed along with the Black Eye Peas in 2011, which is like asking Beyonce to make a cameo and sing “Formation” while Coldplay is headlining. (Oh shit! I forgot they even did that!) Usher would turn the Georgia Dome out, and you wouldn’t have to give him any gas money. Maybe some cold sore ointment, but that’s it.
How about asking Lil Jon to home out there to holler for 10-15 minutes? I don’t know what the fuck he be talking about but he would get the audience crunk. And Childish Gambino is the biggest star in the world not named Beyonce or Cardi B. How about him? As long as he didn’t take his shirt off and we didn’t have to see his chest again, we’d be fine! Donald Glover literally has a show named Atlanta but he somehow slipped your mind?
You could even do an old-school ATL reunion with two-thirds of Jagged Edge, 112, three-fourths of Xscape, two-thirds of TLC, eight-thirteenths of Arrested Development, and the foremother of mumble rap, mumble singer Toni Braxton. The youth could learn about good music and learn their fractions!
Since we’re talking about the kids, did you even consider a “Lil/Young” halftime featuring Lil’ Yachty, Young Thug, Lil’ Scrappy, Young Jeezy, Lil’ Jon, Young Joc and we could throw in the Ying Yang Twins for good measure (I’m pretty sure they can’t spell their names, anyway).
Or how about an Outkast reunion? I’m not even watching the NFL this season but if you brought back Andre Three Stacks and Big Boi, I’d tune in. The Goodie Mob, Janelle Monae and Erykah Badu could do songs too.
But you chose Maroon 5.
Again, I have nothing against the color crimson or the number 5. I’m just saying that Atlanta is blackity-black and overrun with good music. Were you afraid someone might kneel?
But I guess I can’t complain since I’m not watching the NFL anyway. I guess I won’t have to see Maroon 5, although I quite enjoyed their hit tune “Radioactive.”
Oh, that’s Imagine Dragons?
I’m just saying, though...