Not a week goes by on Twitter without the subject of paying child support being discussed, argued and given various amounts of side eyes. Most of the people who have expressed issues about paying child support, or why there should be “caps” on the amount being paid out, belong to the population of men I’ll refer to as “Ashy Larrys.”
Commonly, these Ashy Larrys don’t even have children, so one has to wonder why they argue about something that has no bearing on their lives, unless they plan to go out and make some babies. Though if that’s the case, it would probably behoove them to move out of their grandmama’s basement first.
On Monday, Future ranted on Twitter about the amount of child support he has to pay Ciara for their son, an amount he alleges is $15,000. Of course, the Ashy Larrys were #TeamFuture. Because why should a celebrity have to pay a court-appointed percentage of his salary? The only problem I see is that I’m not sure Future’s other baby mamas are getting the exact same thing.
Since some men on Twitter are talking about sneaking into a woman’s direct messages to shoot their shot, then complain about the $200 date they will have to take her on, followed by their infamous Netflix-and-chill session, here are five tips they may find useful in helping them avoid doling out the child support on a monthly basis. Because God forbid they don’t have enough money for their Xbox gold subscription.
Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Just because you’re sitting there binging on your Netflix queue with a woman you have the hots for doesn’t mean you have to take a ride down the “chill” side of Netflix and chill. Abstinence not only prevents pregnancies but also prevents those pesky sexually transmitted diseases like herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia and HIV. So just watch the damn movie.
Wrap It Up and Back It Up
Here’s a novel idea. Condoms. You know those little, lubricated plastic things you can get from 7-Eleven nowadays? Use one. And on top of using one, you may want to make sure your partner is also using some form of birth control. Wrap up your penis and use a backup system.
Instead of Playing Xbox, Sit at Home and Play With Your “Maybe Babies”
Next to abstinence, masturbation is a surefire way to keep you out of child support court. Put down that Xbox One controller, grab your favorite lotion and go to town. Just make sure you don’t touch the controller afterward; you definitely don’t want any of your “maybe babies” getting the buttons all sticky.
Snip and Save
When people snip coupons, they’re making an attempt at saving money. And there’s one drastic measure men may want to take, especially those with multiple baby mamas like Future. A little snip, snip here. A little snip, snip there. And voilà, your baby-making capabilities are finito. Now, getting a vasectomy isn’t something that should be taken lightly, and it definitely requires follow-up appointments with your doctor. Google “vasectomy babies,” and thank me later.
Ain’t Nothing Wrong With a Little Late-Night Hotline Bling
Studies have shown that phone sex doesn’t cause babies. Duh. You’re on one end of the phone. And someone else is on the other. Phone sex brings together abstinence and masturbation. All you need is some unlimited mobile minutes and a willing participant. And an imagination wouldn’t hurt.
So there you have it—a few ways you can avoid child support. And of course, some of these can go for women as well. We have the Sherri Shepherds and Halle Berrys of the world out here doling out exorbitant amounts of child support each month to men.
With children comes great responsibility. If you can’t handle that, make sure you handle your business; then you won’t have to be on Twitter complaining about how much you have to pay each month. Or how much someone whose life has no bearing on yours has to pay as well.