Kevin Hart attends the WSJ Tech D.Live on November 13, 2018 in Laguna Beach, California.
Photo: Phillip Faraone (Getty Images for The Wall Street Journal and WSJ. Magazine)

In the words of Kevin Hart himself, “Oh-my-God, nooooooo!”

I am firmly a proponent of the “shutting the fuck up is free” philosophy because it is free in both money and energy. So, Kevin deciding to use so much energy on the very thing he’s so against spending energy on is damn near baffling.

After Ellen Degeneres honky-tonked her way into speaking for every single member of the LGBTQ+ community to beg Kevin back to his Oscars hosting gig, the co-star of The Upside decided to take it into consideration.

Don Lemon wasn’t having it though, directly calling out Ellen for overstepping her bounds. Lemon also rightfully pointed out that we’ve yet to see this supposed original apology (or apologies) that Hart claimed to be so “tired” of repeating when he initially declined the Academy’s reported ultimatum and dropped out of hosting the ceremony. Instead of providing said proof of the instances in which he purportedly “addressed [the homophobic tweets] several times,” Hart indirectly responded with a Notes app dissertation.

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But, that’s not all, folks! Weary from his half-assed atonement, the petite movie star decided to address it again.

In one of the most self-important displays in the history of the Disney mirror on the wall, Kevin appeared on his own SiriusXM show, Straight From The Hart, to issue his version of a formal apology.

No “TO FREEDOM!” SFX included though. Sorry. (Wow, we’re both apologizing today aren’t, we?)

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The comedic actor proceeded to refer to himself in third person and state, “Once again, Kevin Hart apologizes for his remarks that hurt members of the LGBTQ community. I apologize.”

I took note of how he said “once again” with annoyed fervor. Since his attention is focused more so on the fact that he has to apologize than it is on taking the steps toward true atonement, it’s safe to say all of these apologies are full of shit.

“We thought it was okay to talk like that because that’s how we talked to one another,” recalled Hart as he explained his supposed growth. “This is wrong now. Because now we’re in a space where I’m around people of the LGBTQ community, and I’m now aware of how these words make them feel, and why they say ‘That shit hurt because of what I’ve been through.’”

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Still, he couldn’t let “this is wrong” be the end of it; he had to once again place the onus on the oppressed to “accept” his “change.”

“The fight is the will and want for equality. I’m riding with you guys. I understand you,” he continued. “But in the fight for equality, that means that there has to be an acceptance for change. If you don’t want to accept people for their change, then where are you trying to get to the equal part? Where does the equality part come in?”

So, apparently, Kevin is “riding” with the LGBTQ+ community, but in response, the decidedly black part of that community treated him as if he’d dared touch a black man’s radio while riding in the passenger seat.

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Bloop.

And yet, Kevin persisted.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Kevin appeared on Good Morning America Wednesday to promote his new feel-good film costarring Bryan Cranston. But of course, he couldn’t avoid the inevitable.

ABC News

“I’m not giving no more explanation of who I am,” Kevin told Michael Strahan. “I’m just done.”

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Aight, bet. Sure, he has a movie to promote, but for a guy who is tired of apologizing, lil’ homie sure is spending a lot of airline miles apologizing in every way but the correct way.

“If you didn’t [hear the apology], I don’t know what you’re looking for,” he added. “I’m a good person, I love to love, if you don’t see that then it’s a problem with you.”

Okay, Kevin. *rubs temples*

Oh, and for the (hopefully) last time, he’s really not hosting the 2019 Oscars. He’s done. It’s over. No joke.