In what is sure to be the lowest collection of IQs in a 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue room since George W. Bush cuddled with Millie, his puppy, President Donald J. Trump will host rapper, designer and iconic sayer of stupid shit, Kanye Kardashian West, at the White House.
The New York Times reports that on Thursday, Yeezy will meet with Trump (the reason Melania always looks queasy) after a brief meeting with Jared Kushner or, as he is known in the world of hip-hop—Jared Kushner. Known for his portrayal of Bert on Sesame Street and his groundbreaking role in the 2016 Russian collusion scandal, Kushner has been tasked by the Trump administration with reforming the criminal justice system.
Both Trump and Kanye are known for their narcissism, rants and their allergy to facts and details. Both also publicly admit they don’t read much, leading many to wonder what they will talk about. While West has not announced whether he will choose to shuck or jive during the lunch, The Root has obtained a preliminary copy of the presidential notes for the meeting.
- Try not to cringe when you shake his hand. Remember, this fills your monthly quota for touching black people.
- Offer him a new fitted MAGA hat. The blacks love baseball caps.
- Limit conversation to small talk about vagina-grabbing and your mutual love for white women.
- No matter how comfortable you get, remember, you cannot call him “your nigga.” Don’t worry, he already is.
II. Criminal justice reform
- Offer to make Yeezy slides the official shoe of federal prisons.
- Show him the list of people you plan on pardoning. Ask if he is familiar with any of the names. Our poll numbers show they all know each other.
- Ask him if he thinks his homies in prison will vouch for you when you are locked up for Russian collusion.
- Offer a preemptive pardon for Pusha-T if Drake presses charges. According to the White House legal staff, “The Story of Adidon” technically constitutes assault and battery.
III. Other Issues
- Invite him to the White House Black History Month program to speak about slavery being a choice.
- Show him a draft of the executive order abolishing the 13th Amendment.
- Offer Kanye a cabinet position. After all, he is as qualified as Betsy DeVos or Ben Carson.
- Invite him to Mar-a-Lago to play golf in exchange for a campaign song on his new album.
IV. Adjourn meeting
- Tell him to holla at a player when he sees you in the streets.
- Call Putin. Tell him everything.
The Thursday meeting will mark the third time the administration has met with a member of the Kardashian-West family. Kanye met with the then-president-elect at Trump Tower during the transition period. Kim Kardashian West obtained a pardon for Alice Johnson after a June meeting with Trump.
This is why I kneel during the playing of “Jesus Walks.”