NBA via YouTube screenshot

Pop singer Fergie apologized Monday after her rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” made millions of NBA fans and a handful of basketball’s most gifted players so weak from laughter that they collectively contemplated taking a knee.

In an overly dramatic solo reminiscent of a Siamese kitten on a George Foreman Grill, Fergie opened up the 2018 NBA All-Star Game with a mother-of-the-church-inspired version of the national anthem that was lambasted by viewers and appreciated only by Carl Lewis, who joyously moved to second place on the list of worst national anthem renditions ever. The marginally talented shero bravely withstood a terrorist attack from an invisible man chopping her in the throat during her pregame performance.

“I’ve always been honored and proud to perform the national anthem, and last night I wanted to try something special for the NBA,” the caterwauling Black Eyed Pea told TMZ. “I’m a risk-taker artistically, but clearly this rendition didn’t strike the intended tone.”


Not content with bungee jumping or dressing in blackface and reaching for her wallet in front of the Los Angeles Police Department, the not-so-Fergalicious singer decided to take her risks by regaling the audience with her impression of Marilyn Monroe fucking a bald eagle, much to the delight of Black Twitter and the players in attendance, who unsuccessfully tried to hide their laughter.


“I love this country and honestly tried my best,” Fergie said in response to the criticism, reminding us of the risks she took in her critically acclaimed masterpiece “Boom Boom Pow,” or the lyrically brazen line from “My Humps” that still resonates around the globe: “My hump, my hump ... my lovely lady lumps.”

When asked how he felt about Fergie’s performance, Francis Scott Key said, “I died.”