Children reach out to touch Mr. Potato Head as he stands on stage February 5, 2002, at a 50th birthday party for the popular children’s toy at Hasbros showroom in New York City.
Photo: Spencer Platt (Getty Images)

To all you toys out there, who don’t want to be under a parent company where the CEO...all up in your playpen, all in the sandbox, dancin’...then come to Death Row!

This is how I imagine it went down in the Hasbro, Inc. boardroom, once the acquisition of Death Row Records was finalized. You read that right, Hasbro, Inc. —who you may know from such games as Monopoly and such nostalgic playthings as Mr. Potato Head—is the new owner of the record label once headed by the notorious Suge Knight.

Rolling Stone broke down the corporate family tree mumbo-jumbo for us:

More precisely, Hasbro purchased Entertainment One, a multimedia company that owns the children’s franchises Peppa Pig and PJ Masks (these are apparently popular among the youth, though they surely pale in comparison with Mr. Potato Head). Entertainment One also has a music division, which happens to be one of the biggest independent labels in the industry — it took in more than $30 million in revenue in the first quarter of 2019. And back in 2013, eOne acquired the catalog of Death Row, which had previously been forced to declare bankruptcy in 2006.

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“The acquisition of eOne adds beloved story-led global family brands that deliver strong operating returns to Hasbro’s portfolio and provides a pipeline of new brand creation driven by family-oriented storytelling,” Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner said in a statement, following the acquisition.

While this news is one of the greatest plot twists since that little white boy could see dead people, it is indeed our current reality. As such, I have a proposition: a new mixtape featuring Hasbro, Inc.’s toys and games. Because, why the fuck not?

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I present to you the tracklisting for All Eyez On Mr. Potato Head:

  1. “Nuthin’ But A G.I. Joe Thang”
  2. “Ain’t No Fun (If Monopoly Lasts Over 24 Hours)”
  3. “Keep Ya Mr. Potato Head Up”
  4. “My Little Pony Against the World”
  5. “Jem & Juice”

The mixtape will (hypothetically) be released on February 37th.