Dear White People movie poster
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Dear White People:

You've been around for such a long time. And black people have been around for a long time, also, just in case you haven't noticed. But the thing is, some of us are tired of your shenanigans. Others are Stacey Dash. Some of you are cool. Some of you are Donald Trump. So if none of this applies to you, pass it on to your fellow brethren.  

There are a few things we'd like you to stop doing. They're not complicated things. Just things that will benefit everyone in the long run. By "benefit," we mean that once you put these suggestions to use, it'll make you a better person. By being a better person, people will like you more. It's a win-win situation. So just take a moment to read the list below. You'll be glad you did.

1. Stop touching our hair. We've asked this about 1,000,001 times. 

2. Stop talking like everything is a question. Likeeee, you know?

3. Stop bringing your dogs to restaurants. We'd rather not look at your dog lick its privates while we're eating our lasagna.

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4. Stop gentrifying "black" foods. You've had your fun with kale. Do not touch collard greens or sweet potatoes.

5. Stop labeling everything a damn trend just because you've never seen it done before. Like, cuts in the eyebrows and "hair tattoos."

6. Stop thinking that Adele created soul music. Or Elvis. Or Justin Bieber. Or Jerry Lee Lewis. Or Justin Timberlake. Or Donny Osmond. 

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7. Stop screaming "reverse racism." Go talk to Tim Wise, let him school you on that. Just an FYI: It doesn't exist.

8. Stop not seasoning your food. Seriously, why go through life eating bland, gentrified food?

9. Stop wishing we'd go back to Africa. This writer's from New Jersey. The other, North Carolina. If you'd like to pay for my flight to Newark Airport via Dulles, then go right ahead. 

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10. Stop asking, "Where are you from?" And then look at us weird when we name one of the 50 states, and then ask, "No, where are you frommmm? Your family?" Seriously, what do you have against New Jersey? 

11. Stop mispronouncing names or making fun of names you deem ghetto. At least we don't go around naming our kids "Dick" or "Rusty." How is that pronounced? Dihhh-Ick? 

12. Stop Columbusing the hood and then have the audacity to get mad because the black people who've lived there their whole lives look at you strange. That's the same look Native Americans gave Columbus and 'em.

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13. Stop ignoring personal space. Seriously, do you take lessons in space invading? If you can read our text messages, you're too close.

14. Stop saying you're not privileged. Clearly you haven't talked to Tim Wise yet, like we suggested in No. 7.

15. Stop thinking that everything belongs to you. This is not "your" country. This is everyone's country.

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16. Stop thinking that Donald Trump will make "your" country great again. What he will make it is the laughingstock of the world.

17. Stop thinking you don't have to use lotion. You get ashy, too, and we can see it.

18. Stop acting like you didn't see us in line first. Then doing No. 13.

19. Stop blowing your nose at the dinner table. That's gross, and the rest of us just lost our appetites. But we guess since you do No. 3, we shouldn't expect anything less.

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20. Stop getting mad when we celebrate blackness. Do you feel left out or nah? We don't hate you; we just love ourselves. #Blackityblakblakblakblak.

21. Stop telling us about your one black friend. We're sure that he or she doesn't go around bragging about his or her one white friend.

22. Stop being racist, stop killing us and stop trolling black websites. Yes, we know it's been ingrained in your system for centuries. But believe us, it's not cute. We can spot y'all a mile away. It's 2016; you'd think by now you would have found another hobby.

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See, there's nothing too complicated on this list. It's for the betterment of society. You'll feel good about yourselves in the long run.

Sincerely,

Black People

Danielle Young, The Root’s social-content producer, is pretty, witty, girly and worldly. One who likes to party but comes home early. Boldly telling stories with heart, sass and humor. Prince once called her “excellence.” Follow her on Twitter.

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For more of black Twitter, check out The Chatterati on The Root and follow The Chatterati on Twitter.\r\n\r\n\r\nYesha Callahan is a senior editor, and editor of The Grapevine, at The Root. Follow her on Twitter.\r\n\r\n