The “first family” of Who Shall Not be Named

Cosmopolitan needs to get an award in trolling, because it has it down to a science. On the cover of the magazine’s November issue are six women who are not the first family who reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, D.C., but they were labeled “America’s First Family.”

I get it. Do what you have to do to move magazines in a failing print industry.

But of what are they the first family? I took time out of my day to jot down a few ideas.

1. The First Family of Botox, Fillers and Butt Injections

When a rite of passage in your family includes nose jobs, lip injections, Botox and butt implants, it must be hard to look at old photos and recognize your previous self.


2. The First Family of “Once You Go Black You Never Go Back”

Well, technically that only applies to 4 out of 6 people on the cover. Even the AARP member of the family now has a younger, black boyfriend. I guess she gets it from her daughters.


3. The First Family of Underage Sex Is OK

Speaking of boyfriends, it’s a shame that no one in this family saw anything wrong with a 16-year-old dating a 25-year-old man. But then again, Lamar Odom’s ex said she also dated—well, she didn’t exactly use that term—older men when she was a young teenager. Where were their parents? Oh, never mind, probably approving of it.


4. The First Family of Mastering the “There’s Nothing Behind the Eyes” Stare

I’ve seen dead fish with livelier eyes. Don’t stare too long. You see what’s happened to Kanye?


5. The First Family of “Please Save North West”

If there’s one member of that family I feel sorry for, it’s North West. The child had no say in who her parents, aunts and grandparents are. She was born into a circus, albeit a wealthy one, but money has proved that it definitely doesn’t buy happiness.


In an effort to say something positive about the cover: nice nail polish on those two at the bottom.