Google has teamed up with Chance the Rapper for a million-dollar campaign to bring computer science education to Chicago schools.
USA Today reports that Google.org, the philanthropic division of the company that owns the internet, will donate $1 million to Chance’s* SocialWorks organization to increase the computer skills of kids from all racial, ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds. They will also donate $500,000 directly to Chicago City Schools, which is the first school district to make computer science a part of its mandated curriculum for all students.
*Do we still need to say the “the Rapper” part? Until I meet a guy who refers to himself as “Chance the Biomedical Engineer” or “Chance the Applebee’s Hostess,” Imma just say “Chance.”
But that is not what we are here to talk about. This story simply highlights the growing movement to draft Chance the Rapper as the 45th-and-a-half president of the United States (and by “growing movement,” I mean the campaign I’m starting today).
While I haven’t checked on the constitutionality of my idea, I also feel like “I don’t know if this is constitutionally possible or not ... ” is the opening line of every White House brainstorming session since President Bodak Orange took office. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, so why stop now? Also, I don’t exactly know what a “gander” is. I think it’s what people from rural Mississippi call their grandfathers, though.
Anyway, here are three reasons America should impeach Donald Trump and replace him with Chance the Rapper.
1. Chance Is a Business Mogul
The reason most of the people who cast ballots for Trump used to justify their vote was that he is a really good businessman. Trump inherited his money from his father and somehow used his incredible business sense to grow it into ... ummm, we don’t exactly know because we haven’t seen his tax returns. We can only base our judgment of Trump’s business acumen on the data that we have so far: six bankruptcies, no Gucci belt.
Chance, on the other hand, has made millions in the record industry without selling a single song. He doesn’t even have a record deal! Apple Music reportedly paid him $500,000 for his digital mixtape Coloring Book, which might not seem like a lot until you realize that Chance convinced Apple to pay a half-million dollars for a mixtape. Who’s the real dealmaker?
While it is true that Chance didn’t go to Wharton like Donald Trump, it is also true that Mr. the Rapper has declared bankruptcy a grand total of zero times. He also has a Gucci belt.
2. Chance’s Record on Women
We examined unreleased footage and all of Chance’s music and found no evidence of pussy grabbing, insulting Rosie O’Donnell or bursting into the dressing rooms of beauty pageant contestants. While Chance the Next President may be lacking Trump’s experience in the areas of professional wrestling and being sued for housing discrimination, we can also confirm that none of his lyrics have talked about women menstruating from their eyes. Yes, we checked. We’re journalists.
In fact, two incidents this week highlighted the difference between our current president and the hip-hop star who will eventually replace him (if Congress acts accordingly). Trump is supporting accused child molester Roy Moore for a Senate seat in Alabama, while Chance the Rapper tweeted this on Tuesday:
3. A Better First Family
Trump’s father was arrested at a Ku Klux Klan riot. Chance the Rapper’s father was an aide to Harold Washington and Barack Obama. Plus, Donald Trump’s family named him “Donald,” while Ken Williams-Bennett named his son Chancelor Jonathan Bennett, destining him to become either a handsome superstar or the mean, blond private school villain from every ’80s teen movie.
Ask yourself: Would you rather have Jared, Ivanka, Eric and Donald Jr. traipsing around the White House spilling Fanta all over the presidential carpet, or this:
Chance also would prefer to be called “zaddy,” unlike Trump, who, if given the choice, would probably prefer to be called “mein führer.”
I won’t even get into the testimonials about how Chance is more respected around the world, has never slandered Mexicans and still has all of his hair.
Other statistics include:
FBI attorneys unvestigating:
Donald Trump: at least 11
Chance: 0 (known)
Donald Trump: 0
Chance: 4 (although, to be fair, 2 of these are BET Hip-Hop Awards, which Trump could possibly win with the right producer and a feature from Lil Uzi Vert)
Important legislation passed:
Donald Trump: 0
Chance: 0 (yet)
And I’m totally serious about this. If the House or Senate tries to stop us, we can send some dread-head niggas to the congressional lobby.
So let’s Make America Dope Again. #Chance2018.