Writer’s Note: Shout-out to Editor-In-Chief Danielle Belton for the headline assist.
I vividly remember the time I first saw Disney’s Lady and the Tramp (1955).
Now, let me preface my following sentence by saying the film ended up being one of my favorite Disney films of all time and it has a special place in my heart. However, I was not fucking with those Siamese cats. As soon as I saw them slyly saunter over to tease Lady in singsong, I knew I wouldn’t be able to get a lick of unbothered sleep. And I didn’t. Those frightening felines disturbed my R.E.M. for countless nights after my first viewing.
Cats are generally assholes—seriously, what kind of creature intentionally waits under a piece of furniture to attack your ankles as you walk by?!—but this daunting duo came straight from the pits of hell. *shudder*
I say all of that to say this: the Siamese pair ain’t got shit on the 2019 screen adaptation of Cats.
From the official press release:
Oscar-winning director Tom Hooper (The King’s Speech, Les Misérables, The Danish Girl) transforms Andrew Lloyd Webber’s record-shattering stage musical into a breakthrough cinematic event.
Cats stars James Corden, Judi Dench, Jason Derulo, Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson, Ian McKellen, Taylor Swift, Rebel Wilson and introduces Royal Ballet principal dancer Francesca Hayward in her feature film debut.
Featuring Lloyd Webber’s iconic music and a world-class cast of dancers under the guidance of Tony-winning choreographer Andy Blankenbuehler (Hamilton, In the Heights), the film reimagines the musical for a new generation with spectacular production design, state-of-the-art technology, and dance styles ranging from classical ballet to contemporary, hip-hop to jazz, street dance to tap.
The film also stars Robbie Fairchild (Broadway’s An American in Paris), Laurie Davidson (TNT’s Will), hip-hop dance sensation Les Twins (Larry and Laurent Bourgeois), acclaimed dancer Mette Towley (featured in videos for Rihanna and Pharrell Williams’ N.E.R.D.), Royal Ballet principal dancer Steven McRae, and rising-star singer Bluey Robinson.
OK, if you haven’t already pressed play on the video above, I need you to do so because if I have to see it, so do you. Misery doesn’t just love company, it lusts for it.
Okay, here we go.
What in the entire feline fuck was that?!
First off, I don’t know what I was expecting once I heard this adaptation was in the works, but it certainly wasn’t this. I will say, when I saw the behind-the-scenes first-look, it seemed to be framed like the stage play it lifted from. Thus, I expected elaborate costumes.
Since we’re living in the age of advanced technology, I also knew there was a chance of the film incorporating CGI effects; although, I was expecting maybe something like The Lion King (2019).
What I was not at all expecting was an array of CGI-heavy human faces superimposed onto tiny cat bodies. Nothing matches! Nothing makes sense! So many scary pussies! Everything is terrifying!
Apparently, I wasn’t alone. Like, not even a little bit. The hashtag #CatsMovie immediately began to trend and my entire timeline was rife with concerned commentary.
So, who is staying up tonight for the first shift? Because I’m not sure any of us will be able to sleep alone after seeing that.
Cats will crawl into theaters on Dec. 20.