Arya Stark Forces Night King to Drop Out of Presidential Race

Screenshot: HBO

Sen. Dwight Walker (R-Beyond the Wall), long thought to be a serious contender for the Iron Throne, abruptly ended his candidacy for president of the Seven Kingdoms late Sunday night after he was reportedly involved in an altercation in the VIP section of a nightclub just outside of Winterfell.

Although he has not issued a formal statement, representatives for Walker—also known as the Night King—confirmed that the blue-eyed devil will not take part in the upcoming primaries, citing the fact that he had lost support among a key group of supporters—namely, the Arya Stark demographic.

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And also, because he is dead.

“Usually, this kind of thing [death] has never stopped him before,” said a campaign insider who spoke to The Root on the condition of anonymity. “The dead has always been a huge part of his base. But after being reduced to a Sno-Cone by a teenager with a Valerian switchblade, we don’t see a way forward.”

As the news of his death spread early Monday morning, various world leaders sent their condolences to the wights.

Image: Michael Harriot (The Root/G/O)
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Image: Michael Harriot (The Root/G-O)
Image: Michael Harriot (The Root/G-O)
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The People Beyond the Wall had re-elected the Night King for 938 years, after the Children of the Forest and the First Men defeated him in his first presidential bid. Although some people opposed his leadership, including the Wildlings, after winning a hard-fought primary at Hardhome, the Night King gained the support of some of his powerful family members.

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After the most recent primary in Winterfell, his supporters seemingly came out of nowhere for what seemed like a sure victory in the final minutes before polls closed. The Night King had just entered the VIP section of Club Weirwood to boast to Brandon Stark, who was already visibly high off some of the North’s famous edibles when Arya Stark came out of the darkness and ended any chances at fulfilling his campaign promise, which primarily consisted of a “long night.”

“I don’t even know where she came from,” said one of the members of the Night King’s posse who had entered the club with the Night King. “Bran was high and had just asked Theon to go get him a drink from the bar—I think it was called the Three-Eyed Raven—when Arya skyed in like Michael Jordan from the free-throw line.”

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“The white dude tried to block her,” said one patron. “But somehow she double-reversed it and caught him in a crease in his wypipo dashiki. Someone yelled ‘World Star!’ The next thing I knew, there was crushed ice and Night King shards everywhere!”

Meanwhile, back at the Winterfell campaign headquarters, Daenerys Targaryen was under heavy criticism while mourning Jorah Mormont, whom she had repeatedly curved despite years of loyal service. Although he had been relegated to the “friend zone,” Jorah fought valiantly for Daenerys after she was in a terrible dragon-riding incident that ended with a failed attempt at inviting the Night King to the cookout—his own.

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Aside from her plans to outfit her remaining dragon with headlights, Daenerys will have to make some hard decisions about her future in politics after her cake-smashing nephew, Rep. Aegon “Jon Snow” Targaryen (King—The North) revealed that he is forming an exploratory committee, based on claims that he is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne.

Lyanna Mormont also announced that she would be taking some time off from politics due to the fact that her innards were wrung out like a wet dishrag after she attempted to perform impromptu Lasik surgery on a zombie giant.

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“She was a real G,” said one of her Bear Island Middle School classmates. “Her motto was: Never ran, never will.”

Although he wasn’t in the race, Beric Dondarrion also ceased his involvement with helping anyone pursue the Iron Throne, as did Melisandre Kardashian (AKA Little Red Witch Riding Hood) after using her Holy Ghost fire many times during the Battle of Winterfell, which didn’t really help. Samwell Tarley, seen lying in various prone positions with lips quivering, somehow survived the night’s activities, as did Sansa Stark, who sat out the evening in the crypts. Unlike her siblings, Sansa does not have a superpower, although she does seem to be gifted with the ability to hide like a motherfucker when danger is near. Tyrion, who kept a bottle of Hennessey nearby, poured out a little liquor for his homie Jorah.

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At press time, Jamie Lannister was still searching for his right hand, which he lost when he reflexively pimp-slapped a white walker to death. The Lannister twin said he was grateful for the help of brave people like Brienne of Tarth, even though, as he explained, she’s not his “type.” Tormund Giantsbane asked Jamie what the hell was wrong with him, as he creepily stared at Brienne while drinking unpasteurized giant’s milk. The Hound didn’t have much to say as the few soldiers who were still alive tended to their wounds.

“I just want to take my girl and get away from these white people,” sighed the slightly sullied General Grey Worm. “I am loyal, but these white folks don’t know how to fight worth a damn.”

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But the hero of the evening was definitely Arya Stark, who gave a brief press conference, echoing the National Rapier Association’s (NRA) motto: “The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a sword is the ‘baddest chick’ with a tiny sword.”

“They had us in the first half, I’m not gonna lie,” said Arya. “But I knew that Theon’s bitch ass wasn’t going to be able to protect my brother. Plus, the Night King always has that look in his eyes like he knows he’s the shit...Like I won’t pull up. But I’m Arya Stark. He must not know my daddy. Y’all know how we do.”

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Reporters asked Arya if she planned to spend some time with her family after losing so many people. But as she walked away from the podium, she looked at Gendry, pulled him toward her bedroom, smiled, turned and said:

“Not today.”

The Dothraki did not respond to The Root’s inquiries for comment.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.