An Exclusive Interview With Ann Marie Lastrassi Who Would Love to Be Beyoncé, But Is Not Actually Beyoncé

Illustration for article titled An Exclusive Interview With Ann Marie Lastrassi Who Would Love to Be Beyoncé, But Is Not Actually Beyoncé
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On the day following Malia Obama’s 22nd birthday (and some other holiday about a mediocre flag or somethin’), a “Constitutional Conservative running for Congress in Florida’s 18th Congressional District” named KW Miller proclaimed that Beyoncé was not a true African-American and was instead an Italian woman named Ann Marie Lastrassi. The Root was able to locate and contact the real Ann Marie Lastrassi for an exclusive interview.

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The Root: Thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. I’m sure you’d rather be slicing garlic cloves into liquid thin pieces for a squad of Goodfellas rather than talking about being mistaken for Beyoncé.

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Ann Marie Lastrassi: Ha. Ha. Very funny. In reality, I’ve yelled “he good!” more than I’ve ever yelled “that’s a spicy meatball!” despite those stereotypes.

TR: Oh, are you in the Beyhive?

AML: Affermativa. In fact, KW Miller’s tweet is one of the best things that has ever happened to me because I actually do want to be Beyoncé. Instead of Lemonade, I can call my album, Limoncello.

TR: That’s funny. So, in addition to claiming that Beyoncé is actually an Italian woman with your name, the congressional hopeful also accuses the popular singer of being a part of a “Soros Deep State” agenda spearheaded by the Black Lives Matter movement.

AML: Well, if she were truly Italian, she would’ve picked a Versace dress while getting into “Formation” instead of Givenchy. Also, the only time I’m in a “deep state” is when I’m planning Beyoncé-themed dinners. Popular dishes include, “Beycatini” and “Drunk In Linguini.” I also have a wonderful wine collection called “Yoncé All On His Mouth Like Vino.”

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TR: His claims seemed to be a ridiculous form of race-baiting, but do you have any idea where they came from? The tweet seemed random.

AML: You know, I’m betting that guy thinks she’s Italian because she sang an unforgettable rendition of “Ave Maria.” But, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles Carter already has enough names...she doesn’t need to add mine. She was also called Sasha Fierce, which means I should come up with an alter ego, too. Perhaps, Sophia Fabulous?

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TR: Nah…

AML: I’ll marinate on it while my sauce simmers.

TR: In addition to questioning her heritage like some kind of Beyoncé Birther, Miller also took up the baton from longtime Illuminati conspiracy theorists and accused Bey of using Satanic language in her hit single “Formation.”

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AML: Oh mio Dio! How could the person who sang “Halo” be Satanic?! Ridiculous. “Hater” is written all over his face, Santa Maria herself would pray this man fades away.

TR: He also said that “Becky With The Good Hair” wasn’t referring to the well-known Black colloquialism for a white woman, but specifically Becky Hogge of Open Society Foundations.

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AML: I’m not familiar. But, since we’re on the topic, I want to put this on the record: I’m not offended by the term, “Karen.” I think those whiny white women should forget about it.

TR: ...too easy. Somehow, Patti LaBelle got thrown into the mix, as well. Miller called her an “Illuminati Globalist Puppet.”

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AML: The only puppet I recognize is Pinocchio.

TR: Word. Well, I don’t want to take up too much more of your time. I really appreciate you speaking with us and clearing things up. Anything else you’d like the world to know?

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AML: I’ve got olive oil in my bag...swag.

Staff Writer, Entertainment at The Root. Sugar, spice & everything rice. Equipped with the uncanny ability to make a Disney reference and a double entendre in the same sentence.

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A known symptom of The Delusion of White Supremacy™ is the belief that all good things are only good because of the inclusion of whiteness.