A Game of Thrones Recap From the Westeros Barbershop

Illustration for article titled A iGame of Thrones/i Recap From the Westeros Barbershop
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Unfortunately, The Root’s regular Game of Thrones reviewer has the day off. The following recap of Sunday’s episode is transcribed from Calvin Patterson, the head barber at Valyrian Cutz, a barbershop located in South Central Westeros.


What’s up, bruh?

I know y’all heard they killed that black girl down in King’s Landing yesterday. I’ve seen the video. She was unarmed, not bothering anybody, and they cut her head clean off in front of her boyfriend while he just stood there like he didn’t even have any balls or anything.


Yeah, he was one of those Unsullied. You know—one of those brothers who do security for that stupid white girl with the dragons. I know her. We went to high school together. She always hung around with the black people trying to convince them to vote for her for class president because she was the “breaker of chains.” She goes by “Khaleesi” now, but she used to call her self K’Lisa Stormborn Targaryen. Last I heard, she had moved out of town and married Aquaman.

Talmbout she’s the “Mother of Dragons.” Well, it looks like someone needs to call Child Protective Services because she done got two of them killed. The last time she went down there fucking with Cersei, they shot a dragon out of the sky with a big ol’ bow and arrow. But Daenerys went right back there with no armor or nothing!

She had Robby Baratheon’s break baby, Gendry, with her and I know he has his blacksmith certification because we went to Seven Kingdoms Community College together. Seems like he could’ve made a bulletproof vest for the Dragons or something. But you know white privilege will make them think they are indestructible.

You want it low with a bald fade on the sides, right?

Anyway, this is how I heard it went down:

Everything started at the homegoing services for the people who died at the white supremacist march on Winterfell. I ain’t never been to a funeral for white folks but from everything I’ve seen on television, white people give their eulogies at the gravesite. They say Rev. Jon Snow really preached but I figured he would. After all, he is born again. Nobody fainted, caught the Holy Ghost or said “Lord please take me!” like we do at our funerals.


After the funeral, they went to the repast, except I heard that no black people were allowed. I’m serious! You know they don’t play that race-mixing shit up North! If you think I’m kidding, tell me this:

Why were there no black people in the cafeteria at Winterfell?

They even let Wildings eat there but, apparently, the Unsullied and the Dothraki have to eat in a different lunchroom. They probably were afraid that the black people would waste all of the wine when they poured out a little liquor for their dead homies. I doubt the Unsullied wanted to be around those drunk white folks anyway. They probably had their own repast with some pound cake, lemon pepper raven wings and some brown liquor.


You want me to shape your beard up?

Speaking of beards, my man Tormund got his heart broken so hard that he took his army and went home after he heard Brienne let Jamie smash her virgin cakes.


Yeah, Jamie Lannister supposedly got so drunk at the repast that he went to Brienne of Tarth’s hotel room and gave her some Lannister loving. After he realized that Brienne wasn’t gonna do all the freaky stuff Cersei used to do, he tried to ghost Big Brie. But you know it’s hard to sneak out of a room when you have a metal hand, so Brienne put on her Valyrian Secrets nightgown, walked outside in her bare feet and caught him in the parking lot trying to get out of Dodge.

When Jamie broke her heart, they say she had one of the ugliest cries since that dude on Intervention. I tried to tell Brienne that she should get with Tormund, but you know how it is. They always curve the guy who really likes them because they want the cute dude with money, titles and a gold hand.


But you know what they say:

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you ... You get Jamie’s sloppy seconds.”


Part or no part?

Did you hear about Gendry proposing to Arya Stark?

Yeah! Daenerys gave Gendry a title and 40 acres and a mule down in Storm’s End. He immediately ran outside and asked Arya to marry him. Arya gave him a kiss and told him that she wasn’t about that “lady” life. Her only goal in life is to take her horse down to Old Kings Road and kill until she can’t no more.


That girl has no name and—you know what Biggie said:

“You can’t turn a ‘No’ into a housewife.”

So Arya and the Hound are headed to King’s Landing with nothing but some swords and two fresh cans of whip-ass.


Hold still, I’m about to get the dragonglass clippers to do your edge-up.

You heard the rumors about Jon, right?

Jon found out that he was the rightful heir to the Iron Throne and wasn’t a bastard after all. Dany didn’t want him to tell anyone but he met Sansa, Bran and Arya under the Weirwood tree to smoke a blunt. Jon was going to tell them but he punked out and asked Bran to do it. Well, you know Bran is always high as a three-eyed raven so he spilled the beans. Plus, I feel like Bran is a little resentful because they haven’t installed any ramps at Winterfell.


Of course, Sansa can’t stand Daenerys, so she told Tyrion, who told Lord Vaerys, who I’m convinced is the son of Rosie O’Donnell and Curly from The Three Stooges. Lord Varys, the “Master of Whispers” can’t hold water, so he’s probably going to put that shit out on a fake Twitter account and everyone is gonna know, which will cause chaos. This is all part of Sansa’s plan to climb to the top because you know what Littlefinger used to say before Arya did her Night King dress rehearsal on his throat:

“Chaos is a ladder.”

Speaking of Sansa’s plans, I feel like this is all part of an ethnic cleansing plan to make the Seven Kingdoms into an all-white country. First, they sent the Dothraki out to get slaughtered by the white supremacist walkers at the Battle of Charlottesville Winterfell. Then Daenerys only took 34 Unsullied with her to talk to Cersei at the King’s Landing Summit. It felt like a setup.


Jon is on the way with a few soldiers from the North but who knows when they are going to get to King’s Landing. I’m pretty sure he’s using Waze and traffic is pretty bad on the interstate during this time of year. Now Dany’s mad, but she ain’t got shit but one dragon, 17 Dothraki soldiers and a handful of Unsullied commanded by a man with a broken heart.

Now, Missandei, the last black person in the Targaryen administration, is dead. I hope her funeral is a closed casket because you know those white folks at the Westeros Funeral Home are gonna fuck her hair up if it’s an open casket funeral. They don’t know what to do with her 3C hair.


Here’s the mirror. How does that look?

That’ll be $25.50.

If you see any Unsullied, make sure you tell them Valyrian Cutz is the only black barbershop in King’s Landing. If they manage to breach the wall, we’ll give them a special bereavement price because they all have the same low Caesar haircut anyway. Let Daenerys know that we do eyebrows, too. But the dragon has to stay outside.


I’ll see you next week.

Who’s next?

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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Tormund was down in the dumps over Brie about 10 seconds before he was off to the races with a couple of Winterfell serving wenches down to serve up pie with that wine.

Of course Jaime was going to leave Brie in the parking lot, with her robe on, crying and begging for him to stay with her and not go back to his family with his no good ass. Pretty boys ain’t shit, I tells ya.

So anything over 7 people in the know is no longer a secret but information? Varys is such a messy bitch.

Bronn had no fucks to give and let management know how he felt and wanted double on that hook up Tyrion promised him. He about as good as dead but bruh going out like a G.

Ghost The Direwolf gets shat on just as much as Ghost St. Patrick minus the hot sauce and orange soda.

Jon, I have two sisters and I could have told you that telling your sisters not to say nothing is only going to work with one of them, every time, every fucking time, man.

Dany, how long did you think that you were going to fly around the Seven Kingdoms with your flying, fire breathing Weapons Of Mass Destruction before someone came up with a way to shoot them cow eaters out of sky? You dumb and that arrogant ignorance got young Sister Missandri killed dead...sis didn’t even get to South Beach one last time. Damn shame.

Now who the fuck left that Starbucks cup on the table?