Forbes released its list of the five wealthiest hip-hop stars topped by Jay-Z, who Forbes recently declared the first billionaire rapper if you don’t count Donald Trump, whose multiple rap beefs, criminal history and love for the “stop snitching” movement technically qualifies him as a gangster rapper. Plus, we can’t forget that time Trump spit bars, sparking the great Jigga/White Twitter Rap Battle:
Even though both Soulja Boy and D-Trump were both snubbed, the list of the richest rappers featured some of rap music’s biggest names. Here’s the list:
Aside from music, a whiskey company, a Vegas residency and real estate holdings, Drake has several jobs, including occupying the Aluminum Throne as the King of R&B; a part-time job as the Toronto Raptors mascot; and wishing Rihanna would come to her senses and love him already.
- Several seats: Why can’t Drake sit down and watch the game like a regular human being? He’s not a superfan, he’s just thirsty for attention. I hope Draymond Green reciprocates by showing up to a Drake concert and heckles him from the front row as he sings his weepy ballads ... I’m just kidding. Draymond is not a 15-year-old white girl so he’d never attend a Drake concert.
- A voice: Drake is not a bad rapper but his voice sounds like tepid faucet water from the sink of a Chevron gas station bathroom. It sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher on Xanax. It sounds like carrying the one in a math problem. It sounds how unsweetened tea tastes. It sounds like a missed layup. It sounds like a boneless, skinless chicken breast seasoned only with paprika and cooked in a microwave.
- Cocoa butter: To heal the scabs on his knees and elbows from when Pusha-T dragged him in their rap beef.
- A thank-you card: For Soulja Boy, who taught Drake everything he knows. I don’t really believe that, but I’d like to see Soulja’s face when he opens the mailbox, sees the return address on the envelope and says, “Draaaaaaake?”
- A heart: Not for him but for me. My heart broke when I watched Rihanna curve him at the MTV Awards.
She knows that ain’t right.
But I don’t blame her.
Kanye Kardashian-West made his money with his shoe collection, his collaborations in the world of fashion, his music and his production skills. He also stands to reap millions from “Blexit” t-shirts and his “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” royalty checks.
- A college: Since he’s a college dropout, he could finally get his degree. Plus, I’d love to take the Alternative Facts 101 black history course where we learn that slavery was a choice, Jim Crow was actually a pretty fly for a white guy and Malcolm X was one of the original X-Men.
- A cape: Kanye told Donald Trump that wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat made him feel like he was wearing Superman’s cape, to which Dave Chappelle replied: “Nigga just wear a cape!” I concur. He can afford it now.
- The old Kanye: I miss the old Kanye.
The “Watch the Throne” Kanye.
The one who made white people wonder “WTF is going on,” Kanye.
I miss backpack Kanye.
The one who rapped, Kanye.
Hold up ... I’mma let you finish. But I miss the black Kanye.
- Ghostwriters: Most people don’t know that: “poopity scoop, poopity poopity poopy scoop” is an ancient African saying that roughly translates to: “Does anyone have Rhymefest’s number?”
- A church: No one seems to have noticed but Kanye is slowly transitioning into a cult leader. He is no longer the Louis Vuitton Don and is starting to dress like a prophet, wearing raggedy, loose-fitting, monochrome clothes. Plus he had a church service at Coachella complete with a choir and a building fund benefit featuring $225 hoodies. I’ve heard that his next album will just be shouting music. You know you’re gonna buy it.
Diddy sells liquor, music, clothes and swag. You might not know any Bad Boy artists but he is now a brand name, which has netted him millions.
- One final name: Sean “Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Brother Love” Combs’ name has evolved more times than a schizophrenic Pokemon. He could probably reach billionaire status if he didn’t have to spend so much time at the DMV changing his name.
- An All-White Store: No, I’m not talking about a Caucasian slave market. Diddy made white parties popular and I’mma either need him to issue a statement saying that white parties are played out or open a line of boutiques that sell something other than linen pants that I only wore once because I spilled some Crown on the crotch. I’m tired of this shit, Puffy. I have at least 10 unrecyclable all-white outfits that are useless because absolutely no one—not even a grandmother—can iron the wrinkles out of once-worn linen. And everyone knows that irons get extra hot for grandmothers. That’s a scientific fact.
- A Voodoo Doctor: I’m sure you’ve heard of the “Diddy Curse” that befalls all Bad Boy Artists. Notorious B.I.G. and Craig Mack are dead. Faith is married to a reality show star. Yung Joc has become a Smurf. Mase went AWOL to become a soldier in the Army of the Lord. Lil Kim became the first person to enter the plastic surgery witness relocation program. Shyne, Black Rob and G. Dep went to jail. We’ve sent search parties out looking for the careers of Danity Kane, Da Band and Loon.
- Kool-Aid: Diddy should just buy the entire company because Ciroc is basically vodka for people who don’t like vodka and would rather be drinking Kool-Aid.
- Reimburse his exes for 25 percent of the time they spent in a bad relationship: This nigga actually said this ... in front of his son:
Beats by Dre and beats by Dre are how this mogul secured his bag. The iconic producer is responsible for the hits of some of hip-hop’s biggest stars, including Eminem, N.W.A, Tupac and Snoop Doggy Dogg.
- A college education: In the wake of the wypipo college admissions scandal, Dr. Dre deleted an Instagram post bragging on his daughter’s acceptance to USC when commenters pointed out that he donated $70 million dollars to the school in 2013 ... when his daughter was in the 6th grade. Look, if I donate $70 million to any organization, they better let me in. I put $70 in the church offering one Sunday and I asked the head deacon for a receipt. I’m taking it to the Pearly Gates when I die and they better let me in.
- A sincere apology to Dee Barnes: An apology doesn’t cost anything, but still ...
- Some dance songs for Eminem: Dre has enough money to pay himself to make a few tracks for Eminem because you can’t dance, fuck or even drive to Marshall Mathers’ music. Eminem makes music for people who do crystal meth, make pipe bombs or masturbate to anime porn.
- A Ph.D.: After he lost the trademark case to a gynecologist named Dr. Drai, I thought of a solution: Earn a doctorate! Then, we’d have to call him Dr. Dre. You’re welcome.
- An Oscar: It was a travesty that Straight Outta Compton wasn’t nominated for an Oscar in 2016. How the hell The Revenant get a nomination? I like Leonardo Dicaprio but I didn’t believe for one minute that that bear was fucking him. Straight Outta Compton didn’t even get a nod in the documentary category! It was a documentary, right?
Hip-hop’s only billionaire made his money through music, management, liquor and investments. It should be noted that, as Beyonce’s husband, he didn’t have to spend a lot when they were dating, which might have given him an advantage over people like Drake, who probably spent a lot courting his baby mama.
- Find the old Kanye: See above.
- Gifts: Can you imagine what it must be like to go shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift for Beyonce? What do you get her on Mother’s Day? A third-world island nation? The time-space continuum? A dinner date with Oprah, Tyler Perry, the Obamas, Jesus and the person who invented fried chicken?
- A Tidal subscription for me: It’s the only way I’ll get one.
- A Sweet Sixteen Party for Blue Ivy: I like the show My Sweet Sixteen where rich people go broke throwing a party for their spoiled kids. But who could be the surprise entertainment when your mother is Beyonce and your dad is Jigga? Don’t fret. I’ve come up with the ultimate baller move: Jay-Z should hire the other four people on the list to perform at the party. Again, you’re welcome.
- Buy The Root: I’m just sayin’