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Earlier this month it was reported that Drake, aka Canadian Screech, walked into a Miami grocery store and announced over a bullhorn that the patrons could get whatever they wanted and it was on him.

It was a moment.

What no one knew was that Drake had actually taken the money that was supposed to be used for the video to accompany his catchy single “God’s Plan” and instead used the money to do the Lord’s work. And I realize that by watching a Drake video and crying, I’m undoing all the good work that Matt Barnes has done to single-handedly dispel the myth that light-skinned men are soft, but damn, this video pulls it out of you, and I don’t want to give it all away.

So let’s focus on what kind of person you might be if this video doesn’t reduce you to baby status. Here are 10 safe assumptions about you if you watch this video and don’t shed one Denzel Washington Glory tear.

  1. There is a good chance that you are a Russian bot.
  2. You most likely ate glue and killed small animals as a child.
  3. You attended the Black Panther premiere and didn’t wear African-inspired garb.
  4. You say words like “goofy” and “dilly dilly.”
  5. You watched the NFL this season.
  6. You’ve introduced a fat white woman to your mother as your girlfriend and weren’t even remotely ashamed of this.
  7. You also ate said girlfriend’s macaroni and cheese.
  8. You have gotten your eyebrows threaded at a mall kiosk.
  9. When driving into white neighborhoods, you change your radio station from urban to light rock.
  10. You are part of the 53 percent of white women who voted for Donald Trump, then wore a pink pussy hat and marched for women’s rights.