I’m writing this from heaven.
If you haven’t heard, there was an apocalypse last night that killed every man on earth except Donald Trump, Jimmie “J.J.” Walker and Steve Buscemi. While I died peacefully, I became aware of my death when I read on the internet that People magazine named John Legend their 2019 Sexiest Man Alive. (Say what you want, but the afterlife has really good wifi).
John Legend is smart, kind, funny, whimsical, well-dressed and talented as fuck! But sexy? If Prince was a “sexy motherfucker,” then John Legend is, at best, “a moderately attractive human individual.” He has a haircut and a torso and opposable thumbs. He’s a guy. Old women probably refer to him as a “fella.” There’s nothing wrong with being a “fella.” Fellas are nice.
I knew I must be in hell and every man on earth must be dead because even John Legend’s mom didn’t rank him higher than fifth place. And just in case there are more survivors, I came up with a list of men who might have escaped the wypipocalypse and are sexier than John Legend.
I’m not throwing shade here. This is about hope.
10. The Legend of Bagger Vance: After carrying golf bags for white men all day, I bet Bagger’d be more than willing to carry his girlfriend’s purse, which is pretty sexy. Plus, if we acknowledge Black Girl Magic, then we must also acknowledge the sexiness of the most magical of negroes.
9. John Legend’s Tether: I like John Legend, but women like bad boys and, regardless of what you think about the EGOT winner, you must admit that he’s a really good guy. Maybe if he grunted and carried a pair of scissors everywhere he went, instead of helping felons get their voting rights, he’d be a lot sexier. Plus, a red jumpsuit would bring out his edgy side.
8. Miles Theodore Legend: Have you seen this kid? He’s cute as fuck. I know you’re expecting me to say that he got his looks from his mom Chrissy Teigen but I would never say that. However, I will say that even if he didn’t inherit his dad’s singing ability, Chrissy can still teach him how to lip-sync.
7. Johnny Blaze: He’s fire. He rides a motorcycle. His only drawback is that women are sometimes reluctant to put their hair near an open flame.
6. The zombies from I Am Legend: I think they might be John’s cousins but they might be disqualified because they aren’t necessarily alive. Nice abs, though.
5. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt His name is my name too…
Which kinda makes me one of the sexiest men alive. So, thank you.
4. Justin Timberlake: Considering that he is responsible for bringing sexy back, I don’t understand why he never makes the list. Maybe it’s because Justin Timberlake looks like the younger brother of someone who’s sexy. He’s sexy in the backup quarterback kind of way.
Or maybe it’s because he’s always in a suit and tie.
3. Johnny Appleseed: Free apples, nigga.
2. John Stamos: Straight men, black women, even magical negroes know that very few people are sexier than John Stamos. Plus, he no longer has a Full House and Aunt Becky got locked up for scamming colleges, so he’s single now.
1. Ordinary People: Because they don’t know which way to go. They’re just ordinary, People. Maybe they should take it slow.