Pumpkin Spice Pork Sausage
Yesha Callahan

Every fall for the last several years, a little bit of the world has been destroyed with one of the greatest tragedies known to mankind and food: pumpkin-spice everything.

I can’t even figure out who to blame.

Is it Starbucks, with those pumpkin-spice lattes that women consume before heading to yoga class? Or is it some little old lady who thought to herself, “Well, let me just throw some pumpkin spice on this steak to see what happens?”

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In any event, let’s make one thing clear: Pumpkin spice should be banned across the world.

During my Sunday-evening grocery-store stroll, I happened upon this aisle scene:

Now, I tried to wait until the locals had cleared the area, because I didn’t want to embarrass them by snapping their photo as they looked as though they were witnessing the second coming of Christ. This display of pumpkin-spice everything is everything that is wrong in the world.

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We just couldn’t be happy with a sliver of delicious pumpkin pie, huh? So we had to go and spice things up (pun intended) and turn everything into pumpkin-spice porn.

Pumpkin-spice sausage.

Pumpkin-spice Oreos.

Pumpkin-spice popcorn.

Pumpkin-spice Pop-Tarts.

Pumpkin-spice Fudge Stripes cookies.

I’m pumpkin-spiced out.

For those of you with palates that haven’t advanced beyond third grade, I understand how all of this mess could be enticing. But let me assure you, it is not.

https://twitter.com/softjunebreeze/status/645707801801584640https://twitter.com/DAdeeyo/status/645706468025483264https://twitter.com/EricHaywood/status/645706117775921153https://twitter.com/MatthewACherry/status/645706267990736896

Pumpkin-spice abuse needs to be stop. and it needs to happen immediately, because sooner or later, some poor dog out there will have to suffer through a bowl of pumpkin-spice Kibbles ’n Bits. And that ain’t right, at all.

Once you go down the pumpkin-spice rabbit hole in a simple Google search, you’ll realize the depths to which people have gone in their efforts to pumpkin-spice-up everything. Somewhere, someone’s grandmother’s peach cobbler was just abused and made into a recipe for pumpkin-spice peach cobbler. Grandma, they know not what they do.

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If you don’t want to advance your palate beyond the third grade, by all means, eat all the pumpkin-spice products you can. You’d definitely be doing everyone a huge favor, especially those of us who want to banish everything pumpkin spice to hell.

One can only wonder what outrageous pumpkin-spice product will hit the shelves next year. Maybe someone will fine-tune a pumpkin-spice red-velvet cake? I'm willing to march and hit the steets to protest pumpkin spice. I already have my chant and sign: “Hey, hey, ho, ho. Pumpkin spice has got to go!”