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As we all know by now, Donald Trump claims he was wiretapped by former President Barack Obama. As we all know by now, Trump is uncouth, psychotic, sexist, racist and, unfortunately, the current president.

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Who knows what we’d hear on a Trump wiretap. Probably a lot of pussy-grabbing talk and calling people the n-word. But for those on social media, a wiretap into their lives would prove a little more boring:

The only person I ever talk to on the phone is my 3-year-old niece, and that’s only because she calls me to ask why my son isn’t answering her FaceTime calls. Exciting. I know.